Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - November 2006

01/11/06  ||  Global Domination

Amon Amarth: With Oden by our side

8/10

Lord K: I have been told that Amon Amarth’s the best selling act in the history of Metal Blade. I will never understand why, if that’s the case, but what I do understand is that the fuckers have released their strongest effort of viking pornographic music yet. Vikings are pretty gay. Amon Amarth is the opposite, naked chests or not. This round’s winner for me. 8

Ripper Bendix: Amon Am Arsch might not blow me away as they did on “Vs The World”, but this new album here at least doesn’t make me yawn. Strong shot from a strong band… with leather wrist gauntlets studded with, er, studs. Like really studdy studdy viking studs with studs. Not spikes, though. That would be too necro. 8

Rafal: You know right off the bat that you are in for a treat. Probably the best album the guys have recorded since “Once Sent…”. Crushing and slashing melodic death metal with bell-like vocals of Mr. Hegg. I’m very pleased. 8

Desert Eagle: I hope these guys put their viking helmets on upside down so they stab themselves and die. Although, vikings are pretty metal so I guess I can let the death metal part slide. I mean – they talk about swords and shit. That’s fucken sick, you guys. 7

Syrrok: An absolute honor and privilege to comment on this effort. Production top notch, the best song writing AA has to offer, and Johan is fucken out of this world vocal-wise. It grows on me more everyday. 9

Fishermane: In the past, my feelings towards viking metal have always been somewhat ambivalent. Thanks to Amon Amarth, my feelings towards viking metal (and especially vikings) are now unambiguously favorable. 8

Evanescence: The open door

6.5 /10

Lord K: More mature than “Fallen”. More ambitious than “Fallen”. Better looking album cover than “Fallen”. But hardly as good as “Fallen”. 7

Ripper Bendix: First time I heard “Call Me When You’re Sober” I was actually impressed because of one particular nice trick during the chorus. Melodically speaking. I like this stuff, nothing wrong with that. Amy needs to get TEH NEKKID for Playboy. And sing in TPH. 7

Rafal: As long as the chick is in the band I will always be a silent fan of the music. The album is good to some extent, but boring in the long run. The world changes, Evanescence stays the same. 6

Desert Eagle: So the good would be: cumwhore Amy Lee is hot, her voice makes me stiff, and that’s it. The bad? There isn’t enough time in the day to listen to this album! It is near perfect. 9

Syrrok: Yeah, the voice. It’s great. But here we have this wonderful angelic voice entrapped in silly nu-metal stuff that we all have such a fondness for. This chick needs to be anally pleasured by the lead singer of Entombed or Satan or something… just to toughen up her tastes. Then we got pure magic on our hands. This ain’t quite that. 4

Fishermane: Regardless of any negative preconceptions you might have towards Evanescence, their friendly brand of goth-rock serves its purpose. Too bad I’m way too hard to enjoy this. (‘SLIPS IN HIS “MORRISSEY: LIVE AT THE SHEFFIELD FLOWER CLUB” CD AND POURS HIMSELF ANOTHER COSMO’) 6

Dream Evil: United

5.3 /10

Lord K: Another factory of cheese enters AA, but the difference between Dream Evil and alot of other heavy metal bands is that Dream Evil actually captures some of the important things of metal and makes it swing a little. I prefer Sabaton’s cheese though. 5

Ripper Bendix: Snowyyyyyyyyyyyy…...NOT. Damn. 5

Rafal: I’m kinda disappointed. I really loved “The Book of Heavy Metal”, the band’s previous release, but this album shows that without Gus G they have nothing more to add to the heavy metal scene. Sure, there are times where the music gets to the highest, but overall it’s more of a rip-off album. 6

Desert Eagle: I really can’t tell if these guys are serious any more, but I don’t care because the ballads are great and the metal is heavy. Heavy as a really big dog dick. Holy shit is that heavy you guys. 8

Syrrok: Power metal with plenty of power! I dig almost half of these tracks, which is pretty on par with all of Dream Evil releases. The dude’s voice is just great, and for once you get some decent tracks to go along with it. Blind evil bitches! Half good songs. 5

Fishermane: I’ve decided to attribute 3 points to this album solely for the fact that Throbbing Gristle had a song called “United”. Since “Throbbing Gristle” almost rhymes with “Hey, what the fuck’s up with all the shitty power metal this month?”, it’s fair game. 3

Cradle Of Filth: Thornography

5.2 /10

Lord K: Once again the world is exposed to the metal disease of Cradle. I refuse to call it “black” metal, coz it sure isn’t. I’m taking a bigger liking in what they do here than I ever thought I would. For some reason I can even bare with Dani’s vocals on this one. I must be fucken ass-drunk. The Heaven 17 cover wasn’t really necessary though, was it? 7

Ripper Bendix: I like the song “Gilded cunt”. “Gilded cunt” is not on this album, which makes this album automatically worse than the one “Gilded Cunt” was on. 7

Rafal: I lost interest in this band a long time ago, “Thornography” proves I did the right thing. Washed-out ideas, weary musicians and songs too predictable. Nothing to lay your ears upon. 3

Desert Eagle: Little Dani Filth’s vocals are a lot more subdued on this album, but less shitty vocals really doesn’t add much. In fact I think it makes it worse. At least I had a good laugh at the old stuff. SCREEEEEEEEEE!!! 4

Syrrok: This band is pretty balls now, the novelty is over. I predict this band is one album away from touring with My Chemical Romance. All the tight black jean wearing “guys” and morbid girls can donkey punch themselves. Keyboard overload on this one. Dani has a very limited style. 3

Fishermane: Sometime last month, I had the luck of being invited to see the Heaven 17 perform live (apparently their performance was kept a secret to everyone except to those in my city). Anyhow, as Glenn Gregory was about to signal the beginning of the classic “Temptation”, I gravitated over towards the stage and suggested that they do a cover of Cradle of Filth’s cover of “Temptation” instead. Glenn quickly acquiesced, and the result was such a success that they then proceeded to cover all of “Thornography”, which was actually quite impressive. After the show, me & Glenn went to meet Dani Filth (who was also mysteriously in Montreal for the night) for Martinis and Scrabble. Too bad Dani cheats. Is “Vampirilicious” even a word? Anyhow, true story. 7

Krux: II

5/10

Lord K: The opening riff of “Lex Lucifero” is fantastic, but that’s becoz I wrote it. Krux’s doom metal is ok in short doses, but very tedious in the long run. The atmosphere is semi-dark, the electronics are misplaced and Mats Levén’s vocals are almost as fucken annoying as they ever were. Almost. 5

Ripper Bendix: I loved the first fucken Krux album but it took me a long fucken time to dig myself into the material. Since this is an AA and I’m in some sort of a rush because er… I got a schnitzel in the oven or something, I’ll give this album a 6 with the order to the readers to add a point every one and a half weeks until it reaches an eight. Thanks. 6

Rafal: If you are into doom metal, then Krux is for you. If you dig what Leif Edling has done with Candlemass, then Krux is also for you. The strongest doom album I have heard this year. Period. 8

Desert Eagle: Great, another shitty death metal band ( Note by The Lord: But for FUCK’S sake… ). The drummer is lost in the mix, and useless anyways. Both guitarists can go straight to hell and the singer probably smokes a ton of dicks. What about the bassist? Who cares, it’s bass. 2

Syrrok: I can learn 3 languages in the time it takes to listen to this album. This shit is so sludgy and time consuming that elephants can’t even remember it. I’m alright with tons of this though. Lots of metal spirits in minutes 109-192. 5

Fishermane: Tabarnac, le gars y chante comme une crisse de tapette. Pi cé quoi un crisse de “Krux”? Dans le fond, on s’en colisse. Crisse toé-le dans’l cul ton estie Doom Metal Scandinavien, haha. In other words, I didn’t really enjoy Krux. Hail Quebec. 4

God Dethroned: The toxic touch

4.8 /10

Lord K: I thought (and hoped) that God Dethroned was a decent death metal band. They are not a death metal band, but their tough-guy thrash metal is at least decent considering the amount of shit riffs they use. 5

Ripper Bendix: The title reminds me of a Britney Spears album… seriously. I like SOME God Dethroned songs but don’t really consider myself a fan or something, and I have never been able to listen to a GD album in one go, but at least I always had my hook songs that I would listen to and skip the rest. So far I haven’t found my hook songs in this album, but I just MIGHT keep on trying… or not. 4

Rafal: Unlike the previous albums of God Dethroned, this one is almost blastbeat-less. Instead of hyper-fast drumming, we get a good dose of mid-paced death/black metal riffs with a hint of melody. Definitely an interesting album, so do not hesitate to check it out. 7

Desert Eagle: You really think you guys are tough, don’t you? With your stupid cookie monster growls and “evil” song titles and what not. You’ll be sorry when the Almighty smites your sorry asses! Praise Jesus! 2

Syrrok: I remember seeing this band’s video a few years ago. The guys were playing their metal on a floating pentagram. I remember sipping a beer and thinking, “I wonder where these guys shop for groceries”. I bet they just dig up old farm animals and make haste with the products of christ-loving societies. YEAH! Go get em’ kings. This set of songs has some nice little riffs all over the place. The vocalist doesn’t do the songs justice. “I’m gonna kill myself tonight”. Really ground breaking stuff there. 5

Fishermane: Dethroning God. That’s rather bold, isn’t it? I mean after all, who’s going to take his place? These guys? I doubt zealots worlwide are ready to bow down before these 4 Dutch black/death thrashers, although their shtick ain’t that bad. 6

Incantation: Primordial domination

4.7 /10

Lord K: Another one of all those US death metal bands that I never liked. Just another quite brutal assault that leaves me wishing for a hella lot more than what I get with “Primordial domination”. I like some of the early Grave vibes though. 5

Ripper Bendix: Primordial Soup? Hey, the album has “domination” in its name so it can’t be half bad, right? “Primordial Domination” makes me think of a really pissed off Tyrannosaurus. Sometimes the band sure sounds like one, too! 7

Rafal: A solid effort from a solid band though I liked the last one a bit more. Incantation move onward. 6

Desert Eagle: I guess shitty production is the new black. Also, it seems like saying something is “the new black” is the new black. Have you noticed a lot of people saying it lately? I have, and it’s weird. Maybe people have been saying it forever but I just noticed. Don’t you hate when that happens? It’s like shit, I need to keep up with the game. What? Lame death metal review? Oh right. Crap. 2

Syrrok: Pub metal for the best of em’. And they don’t even care about god. Well, so far we have groundbreaking stuff. Add in the sub-par production and we have your average AA death metal band. The thing about it is that the vocals are fucken tits. Beyond good stuff. Not digging anything else. 3

Fishermane: You can’t win. Bands can toil away and evolve into a new sound for 2006 and they’re accused of “selling out”. However, when they remain faithful to their original sound, they’re boring as fuck and labelled as a band who’s stuck in the 80’s. Who am I to criticize what may possibly be the sum of months of hard work? Fuck it. Incantation play the kind of sloppy death metal that was acceptable at best 10 years ago. Incantate this: (insert picture of a penis here. Then choke on my cliché). 5

Unleashed: Midvinterblot

4.2 /10

Lord K: 100 albums after “Where no life dwells” we are dealing with a Unleashed that’s really been on the bottom album wise, but who’s been slowly picking up the last years. This is a step in the right direction though I’m definitely not choosing this over their first 2 recordings. I don’t think anyone is. 6

Ripper Bendix: Unleashed never really tickled my nipples so I’m drawing a fucken blank here regarding shelling points out in relevance to their previous efforts. I’ll give you a five and drink some beer, okay? Yes? Good. 5

Rafal: Will this band ever change? The answer is simple – no. They have played their metal for over a decade now, so lets give them a few kudos for that. A decent death metal effort for those about to die by a viking sword. 5

Desert Eagle: I’d like to UNLEASH my dog on these guys. She would totally jump around and play with them and stuff. It’d be awesome. Lucy kicks ass. 7. Wait, no, death metal is stupid. 2

Syrrok: These guys are not invited to my Halloween party. They’d just drink all the wine (blood) and rape all my guests. 2

Fishermane: Shame on Unleashed for releasing another acceptable yet excruciatingly redundant death metal album. Shame on me for thinking that “Psycho Killer” was actually a Talking Heads cover. 5

The Haunted: The dead eye

4.2 /10

Lord K: Bye-bye: most of the catchiness, most of the thrash, Marco Aro. Hello: Emo-passages, cheese, Peter Dolving. 4

Ripper Bendix: I read in a German tabloid (Rock something something) that Jensen couldn’t write much material for this album which would explain why there’s not nearly enough ballsy thrash on this output. At least for my taste. I don’t know what’s up here but in every interview I’ve read so far the band (respectively either one of the Björler’s or Dolving) states that this is the album they wanted to record. Too bad it’s not the album I want to listen to. 4

Rafal: Musically, it’s not bad material. Vocal-wise, it screams for revenge. I will keep the first 3 albums as their best and won’t suffer through “The Dead Eye” any more. 3

Desert Eagle: Can anyone say streamlined or accessible? This is not The Haunted. It’s decent at best with a whole ton of clean vocals. Fuck that shit! They should be called The Slightly Spooked. 5

Syrrok: At the Gates was a good band. “The Fallout” is probably one of my fave-songs of 2006 though. And for that alone I’ll give this stuff 5

Fishermane: I’ve made the conscious decision to never denigrate a band for attempting to mellow out their sound, particularly for the sole reason that I cannot judge their actions fairly without knowing their true motives. I just hope their fucking paycheck justifies this shite. 4

Falconer: Northwind

3.7 /10

Lord K: Falconer’s got one really terrible vocalist and that makes sense since the music isn’t much better. Power/heavy metal that even puts Dionysus to shame. Just listen to “Blinded”. 2

Ripper Bendix: T’is windy from north yonder. My penis crumbles icicles asunder. 3

Rafal: It doesn’t take a viking to prove that the band is all over cheese and folk. I wish I could enjoy the album, but as long as the vocalist doesn’t change his voice a bit, I’m off to listen to something else. It’s power metal for believers. 3

Desert Eagle: So Falconer had it, lost it, lost it more, and now… they are like… Hey. What’s up? Not much, what about you? Hey do you like our new album? Yeah it is better than the last couple. Really? Yeah probably. Sweet. 7

Syrrok: Talks of evermore and flutes and trumpets, and plenty of harmonics. Oh, more power metal! November is officially the month of power metal. The spirit of power metal lies within my veins, yet I’m still wise enough to realize most of it is absolute donkey spit. I love the attention to the song-writing aspect of things, I just wish it was a bit more tough. 4

Fishermane: Even John Cheever would find this album very homosexual, and that’s saying a lot (especially to Seinfeld fans). 3

Europe: Secret society

3.5 /10

Lord K: The world needs Europe like I need a 5 foot penis in the middle of my fucken forehead. 2

Ripper Bendix: Are those guys still around? Are these the fucken “Final Cuntdown” Europe I’m thinking of? Not? You know what’s cool? ME! You know what’s not going to get four points? This here. 3

Rafal: We do not need yet another comeback album. Europe had their moments like 15 years ago, so let it stay that way. Do not raise the dead, guys. 3

Desert Eagle: This is probably the best month ever! New Europe! Good God! Maybe all this real metal will wash away all that shitty death metal we had this month. Oh, and I’m probably the only person that won’t mention “The Final Countdown”. Wait… shit. 7

Syrrok: So much great to say about a band who has the balls to come back after all of “that”. The songs are almost good, which is a million times better than anyone expected of this stuff. If you are unable to accept a band for what they are you’ll have trouble with this one. But if… just if you have any sort of collection of denim this CD will make you cream yer jeans. Nah, it pretty much sucks. 3

Fishermane: I feel bad for bands like Europe who will only be known for… Ah, fuck it. IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!! TI-TI-TIN-TINNNN, TI-TI-TIN-TIN-TINNNNNN!!!!! FINAL FINAL FINAL FINAL, COUNTDOWN COUNTDOWN COUNTDOWN COUNTDOWN!!! Good times. 3

Trivium: The crusade

3.5 /10

Lord K: I always pretty much hated these guys for claiming they are the next Metallica. Now I also pretty much hate them for their music. Someone, please smack Matt Heafy in the mouth for the incredibly lame sing-along shit in “Anthem”. Embarrassing. 3

Ripper Bendix: Metal By Numbers, not the next Metallica, get over it. 3

Rafal: Damn me, some parts of this album rock the hell out of me. “Detonation”, “Ignition” and “The Anthem” (yes, the cheesy one) are the only songs I have played more than twice. Emo-kids and young metal adepts will surely masturbate upon it. I’ll put it on from time to time though. 6

Desert Eagle: Well, I’m not really a fan of Metallica so some emo shit version of them is really just going to make me less than erect. In fact, I think my dick went in a little. I don’t think it’s supposed to do this you guys. Fuck. I have an innie dick now. 1

Syrrok: The balls on this fucken band. I love it. They don’t’ care of comparisons, they just tour. And then they tour some more. And then the kids dig em’ after 5 beers and no one cares about anything. As for the actual content… eh… not my favorite for sure. I think I would like this metal if I surfed. Since I don’t, well… 4

Fishermane: In the famous words of the late Andy Warhol: “Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Except Trivium, they can go fuck themselves.” 4

Hammerfall: Threshold

3.3 /10

Lord K: I am one of those who would never bash Hammerfall for gaining a lot of success over the years. They do their heavy metal quite good but they are just not for me. I prefer the originals. 5

Ripper Bendix: Never was a fan and never liked them in account of having way too much cheese even for a King Diamond supporter like myself. Guess I’m just the wrong peer group for this because those dudes have skills to boot. I’ll go diplomatic for once… 5

Rafal: Never liked them and probably never will. It’s all about the same heavy metal they have played for years. 3

Desert Eagle: Just when I thought there wasn’t enough power metal we have the new Hammerfall! Hopefully, in the next video they’ll be encased in lava instead of ice, and they’ll all die. Man, FUCK Hammerfall. Bunch of posers. 2

Syrrok: Nothing after that video of them curling with girls gets anything above a 2

Fishermane: Let’s all do ourselves a favour and take a minute to contemplate one of the oldest aphorisms in the proverbial book of proverbs: If a hammer falls in an empty blacksmith’s, does it make a sound? Yes. Yes, it does. A seemingly neverending, loud, fucking annoying, homoerotic, revolting, painful, roughly 45-minute long effeminate shriek. 3

Dionysus: Fairytales and reality

3.2 /10

Lord K: Not on my fucken stereo. Sorry, Ronny, but this is a power metal stinker of insane proportions. I feel the urge of imposing a black eye on you for composing this bullshit. Talent never makes up for shitty music with no balls. 3

Ripper Bendix: They keyword here is “fairy”. Probably would’ve liked it back then when I was 16, though. 4

Rafal: Cheesy power metal warriors that are full of lubricant up their asses. I can’t understand that there are some who actually releases albums that have been played before by a thousand other bands. Go away, Dionysus. 2

Desert Eagle: So the lyrics are the height of cheese but that really makes it all so much better. “Steve came out of school with lousy grades!”. Fuck yeah he did! If you can’t pump your fist to that then what can you? 7

Syrrok: Power elf metal that doesn’t even come close to Masterplan. Can you imagine that? If I was riding my noble steed through the fjord and then all of a sudden Dionysus came on, my horse would immediately buck me off and then shit on my head. 2

Fishermane: This rates itself. 1

Mortification: Erasing the goblin

1.2 /10

Lord K: Seriously guys, die on me. I beg you. 1

Ripper Bendix: Seriously…WTF? Is “rasing the goblin” a euphemism for wanking your god damn cock in the head or something? Just go away, PLEASE! 1

Rafal: No, I won’t dig that stuff. Get the fuck out. 1

Desert Eagle: Simply because of the powerfully lame intro to “Forged in Stone” I am giving this a one. Seriously, whenever it came up on shuffle it pissed me off more than K at a salad bar and they ran out of croûtons. You don’t want to be around him when that happens. It gets ugly. Milton Berle ugly. 1

Syrrok: Are you kidding me with this album title? “Erasing the Goblin?” Really? This shit is god for-fucken-saken awful, but not so much the songwriting. In this we have hope. What I personally hope is that the members of this band get thrown onto some high-profile contractors job in which their collective carpentry skills will allow them to produce their next album at a studio that has better mastering abilities. 2

Fishermane: The advantage of being the dick that submits his AA at the last possible minute is that I’m able to go over my fellow colleagues’ responses, which helps to put things into perspective. Take what all my boys said and multiply it by 9999999 and you’ll still be no where near what I think of (urk) “Erasing the Shmoblin”. 1